Last week we looked at six ways well-meaning parents have misapplied and misunderstood God’s truth regarding spanking to lead them to the conclusion that spanking “doesn’t work.” This week we will begin to look at answers to these misunderstandings.

1. Seeing spanking as a “last resort”– The Bible teaches that spanking is not a last resort. Whenever a child exerts his will against his parent’s right to rule over him, it is the first and only method to deal with that defiance. “He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly (early – as a ‘first resort’),” Proverbs 13:24.

That applies to chronological age as well. The earlier in the child’s life his rebellion is addressed, the sooner the job of training him will be done. The first sign of rebellion is generally on the changing table at somewhere between age six months and one year. As the child twists and turns and will not allow you to change his diaper, simply hold him in place and pop him on the bare thigh with a pencil, saying “no” in a firm but kind voice. Repeat until he lies quietly. Generally it takes two or three episodes before he understands what he must do to avoid the stinging pencil and will then lie quietly while you change his diaper.

With this approach, the foundation is laid for a loving, consistent, biblical discipline program. Whenever your will is resisted or defied by active or passive rebellion, the rod, initially a pencil, is in order. See my book, The Family, God’s Weapon for Victory or my DVD series Building Obedience into Your Child for a detailed spanking procedure.

We are told that we must pick our battles, but every act of rebellion is a battle we must pick. If the child thinks he has even a one-in-ten chance of getting away with his defiance, he will take the chance. He must know that he will be confronted for his rebellion at every turn.

We will not be perfect as parents, nor will we use every opportunity presented to us to discipline our children. But remember that there are only a finite number of confrontations that you must have until the child yields to you and your right to rule over him. Use as many of these God-given opportunities as you can. With any measure of consistency, your major work will be over with most children by age six, depending on the strength of the child’s rebellious will. As long as the child is in your home, it is never too late to begin, but the sooner you begin, the sooner you will be through with the heavy lifting.

Let’s look at the solution to another reason why spanking “doesn’t work.”

Many Christian people with whom I talk recognize that the Bible teaches spanking. They acknowledge that the Bible is our standard, not only of our faith, but of our conduct as well. In their minds they “believe in spanking” because they know the Bible teaches it. However, watching the children of these sincere believers would cause an impartial observer to conclude that “if these parents believe in spanking, then spanking must not work.” But surely God’s truth, effectively applied, “works.” However, over the years I have observed the children of many Christian parents who “believe in spanking” who are habitually rebellious, defiant and disobedient, and whose parents seem to be helpless to do anything about it.

What is the problem? What lurks in the hidden recesses of these parent’s minds that militates against the application of God’s eternal truth that produces positive results, for indeed God’s truth must always “work.” How is God’s truth regarding spanking misapplied and misunderstood by these well-meaning parents?

Several months ago I posted several blog entries on the biblical basis for parents to spank their children, how that practice is misused, and the proper way to apply this controversial method of discipline. The response, in terms of blog traffic as well as written comments, was more than three time as great as any other blog posting.

However, over the past few months we have shifted our focus and looked at the philosophical and theological basis for parenting rather than the practical nuts and bolts of daily experience. We have done so because ultimately all practice, what we do, is anchored in a theological perspective – what we think. What is God’s idea about parenting?

But after several months of traveling and staying with friends and family and observing their parenting practices, and also interacting with parents at home school conventions on many topics, including spanking, I thought it would be appropriate and profitable to revisit the topic. All of us are on a continuum in our growth and maturity, and we will not be in the same place in our spiritual understanding tomorrow as we are today. The Lord continues to open our eyes to His truth. Our responsibility is to be learners, knowing that none of us as yet has all the final answers.

For Christians who believe the Bible is the word of God, there are two main questions to answer regarding spanking: 1.) Is it the biblically mandated method of child discipline? 2.) If so, is there a biblical way to exercise this discipline, as opposed to a non-biblical way?

I discovered that an earnest, young Christian father who came by my booth at the recent Cincinnati home school convention had answered the first question with a resounding “No!”

We have discussed at some length over the weeks the differences between parenting by the law and parenting by the gospel. For many of us this remains a theological idea having little to do with everyday life. We believe it, but our conduct is not changed as we continue to live by what comes so natural to us—living by right and wrong, obedience to the law, and not by grace through faith.

I received a letter this past week from a parent who not only understood with her head but had the eyes of her heart opened to see gospel parenting on a much deeper level. I want to share her letter with you.

“Dear Mr. Andrews,

I have just finished reading your book, “The Scandalous Gospel” and feel compelled to write and tell you how God has used it to open my eyes and change my life. As I read your book it was like finding that missing puzzle piece that I had been looking for, for many years. I have been taught, by well-meaning and sincere people, all my life, that obeying the law is the most important thing I can do to show God my devotion and love for Him. Taking the truths found in your book and coupling them with the Bible is a whole new amazing way of looking at life. It has affected how I relate to my husband, my children, friends from church—the list goes on and on!

My husband and I attended the MACHE Homeschool Conference in Minnesota where we heard you speak. We could feel immediately that you are a man of God and we went to both of your teaching sessions. We then bought a couple of your books and when I got home I began to read “The Scandalous Gospel”. Half way through the first chapter I told my husband that I didn’t think this book was for me. But since we had just heard you speak at the homeschool conference and we liked you so very much, I just had to read on. By chapter two I was hooked and began reading different paragraphs to my husband. We have both been touched by the message of your book. Thank you again and may God continue to use you to teach that beautiful message of faith.”

Jenny Z.

In our last letter we began to pick up the pieces from the discouragement that undoubtedly resulted from the many Father’s Day challenges that echoed from pulpits across America. We saw that the ultimate Father in the Bible, Abraham, the father of many nations physically and the father of all believers spiritually, was a continual screw-up, sinning in almost unbelievable ways. However, contrary to conventional wisdom, he was mightily used by God to accomplish His great eternal purpose of preparing a people to be the vehicle by which He would send His Son to save the world. Abraham would be the most the most prolific and successful father who ever lived.

But what about other famous father’s in the Bible? Certainly God must have recorded the stories of men we can emulate as fathers who had a better record than Abraham, didn't He? How about his son Isaac?

Isaac’s fear of man, believe it or not, expressed itself just as did his father’s--trying to pass his wife Rebekkah off as his sister to another king Abimalek to save himself. Isaac also made his oldest son Esau an idol in his life, ignoring in the process the revealed purpose of God.

How about Isaac’s son Jacob? He was a schemer and a cheat, tricking his brother Esau out of his birthright just to be sure that God fulfilled His promise, displaying the same lack of faith as his grandfather Abraham. Jacob made idols of his youngest sons Joseph and Benjamin, just as his father Isaac had done with Esau. We too sin in the very same ways our fathers did before us, no matter how much we vow not to do so.

How about King David, of whom Jesus was proud to be called his son in the flesh? He may have been the most dramatic failure of all as a father. He had many wives and many concubines, with 17 named sons and one named daughter in the Bible. He committed adultery with Bathsheba, had her husband killed when he discovered she was pregnant and eventually married her. Amnon, one of David’s older sons, raped his half-sister Tamar. David, as gthe head of his home, did NOTHING about it. Absalom, another son of David, Tamar’s full brother, eventually took revenge and killed Amnon.

A few years later, Absalom staged a revolt against his father David, slept with 10 of David’s concubines on the palace rooftop, and then was killed in the subsequent fight against David’s army. So much for capturing your son’s heart!

Many years later, Solomon (another son of David and Bathsheba) ordered the execution of his brother Adonijah because Adonijah was making an attempt (or so Solomon thought) to capture the throne.

For some of us, we see our families as flashing neon signs telling us that we have not been successful as parents. We have compared our families with others, and we have realized that we are exposed as failures. We are sure that God must be displeased with us because of our failure with our children or in our relationship with our spouse. If that is how you feel in your heart today, David’s story is written for you, “that you, through the patience and comfort of the Scriptures, might have hope” (Romans 15:4).

David’s family was an unmitigated disaster. He was a failure as a father, but God’s attitude toward David in Acts 13 is a source of hope to me: “I have found David, the son of Jesse, a man after my own heart, who will do all my will.”

With all these parenting failures we have observed in the Bible and God’s continued blessing on the lives of those parents, one may reach the conclusion that God is not concerned with how we parent. But, of course, He is. However, the kind of parent he wants us to be may not be the kind of parent we think He wants us to be, or, more significantly, that we want to be. There lies here a great parenting truth regarding what God is looking for in a father about which I had no clue as I was raising my children: