In a recent article in Psychology Today entitled “Why French Kids Don’t Have ADHD,” family therapist Marilyn Wedge, PhD, analyzes why only 0.5% of French children are diagnosed and medicated for ADHD while that figure is almost 20 times as great at over 9% for their American counterparts. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/suffer-the-children/201203/why-french-kids-dont-have-adhd

Wedge’s contention is that the American system relies on drugs to treat what are seen as “pathological” behavior symptoms while the French deal more with underlying causes. After substitute teaching in the public school system for the past three years, I am an eye witness to the fact that what is called Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder in America is running rampant in our public schools.

For example, one day this past week I substituted in five consecutive seventh grade language arts classes in our local junior high school, four of which were literal war zones as I attempted to teach the lesson the regular teacher had left for me. After moving the children around the room, placing them in the “time out” chairs in room corners as the school discipline policy dictates and then finally sending several students out of class and to the office, I staggered to the end of the class period, only to start again with the same routine the next period. In each class there were, at the most, only two or three students out of 20-24 who were willing to follow my directions without being forced to do so.

By the end of the day, I was exhausted. I dreaded the last class period, because there were 32 children in the class, the largest of the day, with every seat taken. My strategic seating strategy was therefore eliminated. There are only four corners in the room, so my “time out” bullets were limited. What in the world was I going to do? I was shocked by what happened.

In last week’s newsletter I related how difficult it is for me to really want to bless my wife. Her favorite activity is going out to dinner. Since I am very aware of this after 45 years of marriage, you would think that I would take her out to eat regularly because she loves it so much. However, since eating out is not my favorite thing to do, she generally has to badger and cajole me until I finally relent. I have tried to please her to satisfy her. I have not blessed her. If eating out was at her initiative, I, in essence, abdicated my leadership and missed an opportunity to bless her.

Anyone in authority in a relationship, be it domestic, ecclesiastical, civil or commercial, is faced with this same unconscious inclination – to wait until uncomfortable pressure comes before recognizing and then attempting to assuage the unhappiness of the one who is under that authority. We try to preserve our place in the kingdom governmental hierarchy by pleasing our subordinate just enough to keep them “on board” and not resistant to our leadership. We want to keep peace. The thought of initiating blessings to them over and above what we are obligated to give them generally doesn’t cross our minds.

We wait until our employees ask us for a raise, church members grumble and complain and threaten to split the church and our children wheedle and pester us until we finally give in and give them what they want. Our civil magistrates take every last penny in taxes that they think they can get away with, never even considering returning surpluses to the citizen. In each instance, we have given away our leadership in the relationship.

Leadership in the kingdom of God is always servant leadership – for the benefit of those under authority. If we live in the kingdom, we parent for the benefit of our children, church leaders lead for the sake of the church members, employers are focused on first meeting the needs of their customers and their employees, and magistrates are called civil servants because they are actually serving and looking out for their constituents. Fancy that!

Here are three hints to keep in mind that will help you bless your children instead of pleasing them.

In the kingdom of God, in which our families are sub-sets, there is a distinct authority structure. “But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God” (I Corinthians 11:3).

God the Father has given rule over His kingdom to His Son, seated at His right hand. Jesus has, in turn, delegated that rule in every family to the husband, who consequently has that same delegated authority, straight from God’s throne, in his wife’s life. Then they both, as parents, exercise this divine rule in the lives of their children. In the family, this rule is not perfect, and even sometimes seriously flawed, but God-ordained nonetheless.

In the kingdom of God, those who are under that divine authority, always attempt to please the one who is in authority over them. Jesus is our example. In John 8:29, He says, “And He who sent Me is with Me. The Father has not left Me alone, for I always do those things that please Him."

God the Father, on the other hand, the One in authority in this relationship within the God-head, did not “please” Jesus but blessed him, initiating not what Jesus wanted (i.e., “Let this cup pass from me” - bypassing the cross), but what He knew would “bless” Jesus—resurrecting Him from the dead, and giving Him all authority in heaven and earth at the ascension. "I was watching in the night visions, and behold, One like the Son of Man, coming with the clouds of heaven! He came to the Ancient of Days, and they brought Him near before Him. Then to Him was given dominion and glory and a kingdom that all peoples, nations, and languages should serve Him. His dominion is an everlasting dominion, which shall not pass away, and His kingdom the one which shall not be destroyed” (Daniel 7:13, 14).

So, in the authority structure in the kingdom of God, “pleasing” flows upward to the one in authority, while “blessing” flows downward to the one under authority. Let me share a personal example to give you an idea of the innumerable ways this principle can be applied, with unbelievably positive results, in the family.

In a recent conversation, a father was expressing to me overwhelming remorse over the state of his relationships with his older, adult children. As a young father, he did not understand the principle of gospel parenting and therefore as a good Christian he attacked his parenting task by trying to diligently and obediently follow biblical parenting principles, i.e., the law.

The result was that he “provoked his children to wrath” (Ephesians 6:4), with the accompanying resistance to his leadership in his family. After leaving home, one daughter refused to talk to him for several years. His faith was evidently rejected by them as well, since, as adults, they currently have no interest in Christianity.

Over the last few years this father has come into a fuller understanding of the gospel of the grace of God, and has recognized what his pharisaical legalism did to his children. He has subsequently gone to each of them and repented for his blindness and his sin against them. Healing is beginning, but the effects of years of ministering death are not reversed in a comparatively brief time.

How can a parent who has not seen the results in his family that he desired proceed with life without the persistent discouragement, crushing defeat, and debilitating despair that his past failures have produced?

The answer lies in a renewed mind that sees and grasps biblical truth that is totally counterintuitive, and, at first glance, seems to be absolutely heretical.

If the Lord has loved me enough to open my eyes, I have seen that, yes, there are problems in my family. Let us assume that I have also identified those problems and determined that it is not my child’s job to solve his own problem, or the youth pastor’s job or my child’s teacher’s job. As the father, the Lord has given me full authority in my home as its head to resolve all difficulties, full responsibility for my family’s care, and total accountability to God for its ultimate well-being—physically, spiritually and emotionally. Knowing this and implementing it are two totally different animals.

For example, not long ago my wife Jill was continuing to struggle in a relationship with another woman who had offended her. We talked often about what she needed to do—lay it down and leave changing this woman’s attitude and conduct to the Lord, but she continued to fret about the situation. Finally, I had had it. I snapped at her, stormed out of the room and said in essence, “I wash my hands of the whole situation; you are on your own, this is not my problem and don’t mention this to me again!”

Later that same day, Jill was sharing with a mutual friend in a coffee shop what had happened when I came in and sat down with them. Our friend asked me, in the wonderful way she has of asking unthreatening questions to get across her point, “Do you think Jill can have a problem that is somehow not also your problem?” “Is it possible for you to ‘wash your hands’ of Jill’s struggles?” I saw in a flash, that, of course, as the head of my home and the one responsible for its well-being, it was not. Authority, responsibility and accountability are words that apply to circumstances that today’s typical man naturally avoids like the plague. I am no different.

The propensity to shirk, evade and duck situations where those three crucial conditions are present is perfectly understandable, because we are descendants of our forefather Adam. He was created before Eve and given full responsibility over the garden of Eden and all the creatures in it and the authority to carry out that responsibility before Eve was even on the scene. He was responsible to lead his family to partake eventually of the Tree of Life and internalize his and Eve’s relationship with God, carrying His life over the whole earth through Adam’s and Eve’s descendants.

However, at the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, he laid down that leadership responsibility, refused to exercise his authority and tell Eve “Put that fruit down!” If he had done so and not joined her in her tasty snack, man would not have fallen. “For if by the one man's offense death reigned through the one” . . . “Therefore, as through one man's offense judgment came to all men, resulting in condemnation” . . . “For as by one man's disobedience many were made sinners” (Romans 5:17, 18, 19), “For as in Adam all die . . . (1 Corinthians 15:22). None of these verses indict Eve, who was the first to eat the fruit. Man fell in Adam. He alone was accountable.

There are not “good” parents and “bad” parents—only parents who have recognized their position as problem solvers in their families and those who as yet have not. If you have, there is one great truth that will lay the foundation for your task.